Decisions.

So we went to the mall today - trying to find a water filter for our refrigerator. They were out of our kind (of course), so we took the opportunity to ride the little train ride at the mall, and we grabbed some lunch at Burger King.

I get the kids’ lunches and sit down and start unpacking them, and I’m suddenly faced with a dilemma at the bottom of the sacks - one of the sacks has a doll, and one has a car. Oh man.

 See, anyone looking at my two kids without knowing them would think, of course! The 3-year-old girl needs a doll, and the 1.5-year-old boy needs a car. Clearly, that is the way the universe works, and what keeps the sun rising and the tides going in and out.

But not so with these two small ones, my friend. Not so.

As soon as the car appeared, Rowen was all over it. It didn’t even occur to her that the car wouldn’t be for her, so she reached for it. But I pulled out the doll as well, and unwrapped it, and in my carefully intonated voice (I don’t want her to know I’ve given up hope of her ever actually playing with a doll that wasn’t riding in a car) I said, “Rowen, would you like to have this doll? Look at her pretty dress and pretty skirt!” Nothing doing. She just said, “But I want the red car.”

So I’m faced with this decision. I could:

a) Walk back up to the counter and exchange it and avoid the whole thing - (but the funny part is that this didn’t really occur to me at the time as an option, in the rush of the moment and two kids already seated at a table far enough away from the counter that I couldn’t just leave them there, and was SURE not going to unseat them and bring them back up with me)

b) Give  the car to Elliott because this is what “they” intended all along, what I was supposed to do, I guess, and let Rowen either be happy with her doll or not, as she chooses. (At this point, several people around me are actually looking at me as I sit there, car and doll in hand.) But something in me says, no.

So in the end I chose:

c) Give the car to Rowen because she wants it, loves cars, and will gladly add it to her collection of cars at home, and give the doll to Elliott because he loves to hold stuff in his hand, and won’t care what it is, and go on our merry way. Everyone happy, except for all of the people in the mall who stared at my son carrying a little doll, and my daughter carrying a car.  Seriously. These toys are like 4 inches high, and they attracted the attention of everyone in a 50-food radius wherever we went. Amazing.

I used to think I hadn’t bought in to these gender ideas we have for kids - that boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls and that’s that, end of story. I have made piles of layouts about Rowen’s love for all things wheeled, and I like to say a kid can play with whatever makes their heart happy. But I was actually amazed at how tough this was for me, sitting there with people watching, when I had to put my money where my mouth was. (And, to be honest, a little sad that it mattered to me how many people looked at me with disapproval.)

I still think that kids should have the right to play with whatever thing you want, no grownup interference (dangerous objects excluded, of course). But I guess I was most amazed to arrive at a decision point that that revealed a bias I didn’t even know I had, and to discover that this is way more about me that it is about them. Interesting how much you can learn about yourself in a trip to BK.

Such deep stuff for a Wednesday afternoon. Now tell me what you think about kids and toys. :)

Comments

[Kelly]

You never know, they may have been looking at you and thinking "I have so been there!"
My boys 12 and 7, both LOOOOOVE pink. They both have a couple of pink shirts and the twelve year old has a pair of pink fake crocs. I love that they don't care what others think, unlike me. I was worried they would get teased but there have only been a few "snarky" people and the rest have just let it go.
To me this and the toys are pretty close to the same thing. Who cares as long as they are happy, pick your battles.
By they way I just found your blog monday and I love it. Thank you for all of the information you have on here. I keep coming back and now am ready to play (beginner here).

[Mandy R]

I have a 2.5 year old son and a 7 month old daughter. I do not care what they play with. My son has a pink My Little Pony that came in a Happy Meal. My husband almost freaked out over it. But my son loves it, he loves baby dolls and sparkly makeup, but he also loves his cars and playing football. My daughter is not really into the girly toys. She's into whatever her brother's playing with and whether or not I'll let her put it in her mouth. I've never really put much stock in society's gender roles or what other people think. If it were my son he would've been showing everyone his doll and talking about how pretty she was. :)

[Dedra]

I totally agree. The world affects them and tells them who to be enough when they're older. For now, let them truly be whoever makes them happy. If they discover themselves first they will always be protected from someone or something telling them differently.

[Jen]

well....my son is 16 months and we went to a friends house yesterday who has a little girl the same age and he was all about her play kitchen. LOVED it - so much that I think that our family room/toy room needs a kitchen corner! I say whatever makes them happy! Love to see the happy faces and pure joy that comes from having fun, no matter what THEY say.

[tashaerin]

Don't be too hard on yourself about wanting the approval of others. I would have felt the same way. It is hard to deal with others perceiving you in a negative way.

But I must say that they are wrong. Who cares what kids play with. My 3 yr old boy is playing Polly Pockets with his sister right now. I think it is wonderful to nurture both sides in our kids. Boys need to be taught to love and nurture. I can't understand why anyone would discourage a boy from playing with dolls. After all one of their most important roles in life will likely be that of a father. Why not teach compassion and care taking at a young age? And I don't see any reason why girls should be discouraged from playing with stereotypically boy toys. Let them explore, create, and learn with it all.

I do understand your struggle at BK. It is hard not to buy into the world's stereotypes at times. But I think it is the best interest of our children (especially our boys) if we don't.

[SpiderGirl]

Those darned fast food toys- they're always causing trouble in some way or the other. I have finally started announcing to my 3 and 6 year-old, "I will let you choose a lunch spot but I will warn you now, there will be NO Super-KidBo Meal [or whatever ridiculous name they have]" It's so funny how their lunch desires change as soon as they hear that announcement. I don't do it all the time but those cheap toys drive me nuts- have the time, I don't we don't even know what they're supposed to be OR do! Anyway, that's my tangent to say, good for you. Like all the other respondents, I agree that your kids will catch on to the gender roles when they're older. Until then, your daughter can be a car aficionado and MY 3 year-old daughter will continue to explain to EVERYONE within earshot that she is going to be a firefighter/ballet dancer when she grows up. I get looks for that one too. LOL!

[Kelly]

I say let them play with boxes! LOL : )
Whatever makes them happy. They grow up waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too quickly! : )
-kelly

[Nic]

I don't think I would have stared, but I definitely would have noticed and smiled - that someone else was just like us, and I would have been proud (of a complete stranger) enough to comment and tell you that right now my daughter was wearing Diego underwear, because that is her favourite and she is potty training. I can't wait for her to wonder what the hole is for and ask her daddy... and if she is anything like me, ten/twenty years down the road the pictures won't even be embarrassing because we are growing self-confident little monkeys that can be whatever they want to be (though we are trying to guide them away from table dancing - another of their favourite activities at one and two years old.)

You're a great mom with great kids, hold your head high!

[Vicki]

I have the opposite problem my girl is all about the princess and girl toys. For the longest time she made no distinction between girl and boy toys. Now, all I hear is "I don't like super heroes, I like princesses." Apparently you can't like both. Last night after a long day we stopped for a Happy Meal. She had a to have the pink pony. I thought the little robot-reptile was cool. It was a no go. The guy at the counter gave us the robot and yes, I did exchange it.
Don't worry what others think. Motherhood is the only job that outsiders with no experience feel they have a right to comment on.
Vicki

[Vivian]

I could discuss the gender issues of toys but I'm way more interested in the fact that you have white carpeting (background of photo). Please tell me this is a scrap you use simply for photography purposes. I already feel like I'm lacking in the housekeeping department. I can't imagine having a couple kids and WHITE carpets! At least, not for long.
By the way, we all have been influenced by the gender issues of society. You should feel reassured in the knowledge that it even occurred to you that this wasn't right. Kudos to you for giving Rowen the car!

[MN Carol]

You are right on for letting your kids choose what they like! In the MOM Dept. I give you an A+! One of my boys loved stuffed animals, parakeets, and cats and he turned out quite alright! : )

[Tara Leake]

I say let the kids play with what they want; as you said what ever makes them happy. When I was little I loved to play with Hot wheels. I also wanted to say that I eat at BK today myself. I had a Jr whopper and it was quite delicious!

[redheadmomma]

Hi Jessica - I'm the one who posted the autism page on your last challenge. I think that you'll find that your kiddos will blur the line of gender biases a bit, and that's great. How boring would it be if all little girls just played with those wretched Bratz dolls and all little boys played with Thomas? My little guy adores dancing around in his little sister's tutus. Does my husband sigh? Yes. But it's such a small thing in the grand scheme of life. It just doesn't matter. I think that's one of the silver linings of having a child with special needs - all the unimportant stuff just effortlessly falls away. You chose wisely and respectfully for your kids. :)

[Tenny]

I wouldn't say i have the same problem, but my daughter is all over my son's trucks. at home, the two of them will happily ride on them around the house(and no, they're not "ride-on" vehicles per-se). They both play with her baby dolls and just basically do the normal sibling "i play with your stuff and then we fight because we both want the same thing." MY daughter just turned 4 and my son will be 2 in april.
to be honest, we don't go out much, so i haven't had the same dilemma as you did. but i can see myself having it. my one thing to say is, don't pay attention to those people. you know who i mean. you know your kids, end of story. people will always have issues with the way you raise your children, but you are doing what you think is best for them. giving your daugher a truck doesn't mean she will become a tomboy and drive trucks for a living(if that's what those people think is horrible) and giving your son a doll doesn't mean he will become an effeminate clothing designer. i think it play into people's worst fears of parents being really liberal and just letting kids do whatever. and i say this as a very conservative person. let the kids have what you know they enjoy. while i don't think i would buy my son a barbie, i would have no problem with him having a doll, is that's what he really wants. just something to think about.

[Debbie Hodge]

Funny, the decisions we agonize over.

With my first son, we tried so hard to avoid weapon-toys, but it just reached a point where his obsession with getting swords and toy guns was over-the-top. At 10, he's still building on that sword collection that sits in the corner of his room (and he's the boy the teachers all call gentle and big-hearted.)

My 7-year-old's obsession is with stuffed animals. The cuter the better. Every morning he walks up to the bus stop with a cute animal in his arms. Fortunately, there's only one neighbor parent who would "put a stop to that." Funny thing is, he's our more competitive and agressive family member.

[Wendy]

You go girl (or boy, as the case may be!)!

When my daughter was 3 we went to one of those Mideavel Dinners, and my mom promptly bought DD a pink princess "cone hat" with a long flowy tuille train.
When DD was presented with the girly item, DD whispered to her grandmother, "It's really nice, but I'd like a sword and shield like the boys have." My mom smiled and returned with the sword and shield. No one would need to rescue DD from in the perilous tower, she could manage very well on her own thank you!

She's now 15 and has fought her own dragons that have come along so far in life!

It's a wonderful ride thru childhood with our kids!

Wendy

[Barb]

I agee with those above who suggested that some of those staring, may have been empathizing with your situation or re-living their own experience. (it is a shame in fact no one shared with you that they had " been there" ,as I think many of us have). As I look at it gender biases are strongly embedded in our culture, but the lines are definitely blurring with time. As I look at the past generations of my family, it is clear that things have changed. You definitely did the right thing, and I believe that the lines will continue to blur, particularly if we as mothers, continue to be open to our children's natural preferences and don't always buy in to cultural bias.

[Nora]

Decisions, decisions....Dilemma, dilemmas...I agree with what you did. As for the people staring...no one's business but your own--and if they have children, they know how it is!!!. I've got 2 girls..3 & 6, and I let them play with whatever they want (within safety limits of course), but toys, no matter what gender they were designed for, have the common goal to preoccupy, teach, learn, but mostly to get there imagination and juices of the mind flowing. Who knows, your daughter may be the next Ford-- the next car designer of our future. I say, let their imagination and interests flow. Now the dilemma I find with my 2 girls...I have found that I have to get them the EXACT same thing, same color, etc. or they fight over the others toy! So now when we get them a kids meal and they are different. I start by..."if you fight, I will just throw it away, or I'll leave it in the bag, have them close their eyes and grab one. Yes, they argue about who picks first! But kids will be kids! Have a wonderful day, and enjoy all those precious and not so precious moments they bring to our lives!

[Liz Ness]

My son loves pink -- he says that blue is his favorite (and I think it is) but pink is next. And, I always find myself saying something stupid to onlookers (when he goes for the pretty pink toys) like, "He loves pink. After all, it's just a lighter shade of red..." Why do I even need to explain?

UHG -- you are right, it's about us and how we are running interference so that they can focus on growing into well adjusted adults...BUT, alas, interference is a hard job.

I think that it is hard because of lingering biases. We are very aware of all of these biases and the consequences of them. But, when our kids do become well adjusted, then maybe they won't feel these prejudices (and won't promote them either). Maybe, when they are helping their own kids find their authentic selves in the future, it will be easier because we ran interference today (at least that's my hope).

[Brooke in Oregon]

Good for you! Ya it is hard to do what we know 'we' want to do with the world frowning at you. But you did what your heart told you and I have to say 'atta girl' :)

My son is 24 and played with his sister and her barbies all the time. He is a crazy rough and tumble guy and a really sweet daddy.

I think it is good to nurture the gentle side of boys cause the world bops them on the head soon enough!! lol