Putting my Money Where My Mouth Is
Tuesday, May 27, 2008 at 10:01PM We went over to a new friend’s house for a barbeque last night, and I think that the universe was trying to help me to be humble. This is the euphemism for it was a total nightmare. Who knew I’d have the opportunity to test out the talk I gave in church on Mother’s Day? (I included a link below if you’d like to read it).
Oh, dinner was excellent, and the company was great. But you know how every time you leave the house with two little kids, it is a little like carrying two walking timebombs? Somehow in our joy of preschoolerhood and gettin’-in-a-groove, we had forgotten this very real fact. And our two timebombs tend to go off not only unexpectedly, but in the worst possible place. Which is pretty much wherever there are people around, but especially when there are people that we know?
I won’t go into details. It wasn’t pretty. Oh boy was it ever not pretty. Some of it involved Rowen spilling her dessert all over the floor. Some involved Elliott trucking downstairs at one point (we thought he was watching a movie in their playroom) with someone’s toothbrush in his mouth. Some of it involved loudly refusing to drink out of a green cup when a certain child saw a blue cup in action in another kid’s hands. And then some general mayhem and ruckus thrown in for good measure. We cannot play cards with two toddlers running. This is a fact we know well, and yet could not escape.
Jared and I left after about 3 1/2 hours, feeling like we had been dragged behind a truck. And I really needed a hot bath and a good night’s sleep and perhaps some chocolate. A lot of chocolate.
Kids were bammed in the tub and put in bed and we sat and wondered, “Where did we go wrong? We are terrible parents. When did our children, who are actually reasonably well behaved at home, suddenly turn into little hooligan pee-pee house-wandering toothbrush-stealing, dessert-spilling monsters? And why in someone’s house, where we’re basically trapped and can’t run away and go home and cry in our beds like we (okay I) wanted to?”
Part of it may have been because we were at someone else’s house. And perhaps there’s a full moon or something. I don’t know. This is an old issue for me - this humiliation and embarrassment that reaches near-panic when one or the other of the timebombs goes off (or they both go off repeatedly) - the feeling of helplessness and frustration and lack of any shred of dignity, while everyone is forced to stand around and watch. I am fairly certain I’m not the only person who has been to this town. Have you?
I do think (after the aforementioned hot bath and good night’s sleep and homemade strawberry ice cream instead of chocolate) that every now and then it’s healthy to have Real Life smack you in the face, right? For me, it keeps me humble. In a place where I recognize that I have a few things to figure out still. And this helps me learn that these are not symbols of my own personal failings laid out bare for all to see, but just kids, acting like kids. Being a mama is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s the long-day, long-night, stretched-to-the-limit reality that’s so demanding. But it’s also this idea that we’re being judged personally by the behavior of our kids (whether this is reality or just in our heads), when we’re trying our best to just keep it together.
I spoke in church on Mother’s Day. I prayed and struggled and wrote and rewrote the words I’d say - knowing that this is not a subject that should ever be taken lightly, and also knowing that mamas so rarely hear how magnificently well they are doing.
If you would like to read it, here is a copy of the talk I gave.
One excerpt from that, from Jeffrey R. Holland in a talk he gave to mothers in 1997:
You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be. (Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference, April 1996)
I think that last night I was given the opportunity to put my money where my mouth was. I’m grateful for that chance, even though I will freely admit that it was painful. Is painful. I have a great admiration and respect for mothers anywhere, and I say that with an insider’s perspective. I hope you know how awesome you are.
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Reader Comments (48)
But, I remind myself that this stage to will pass, just like that really hard baby stage (I often refer to as nap jail-just as one baby woke from a nap, then other baby went down for a nap...all day long!!).
It's definitely getting better though. Somethings are easier and other things are new bumps that I have not yet figured out how to conquer...but I will! Good luck.
I think that is the key to surviving motherhood. When it gets really bad I just think about what the situation will look like to me in twenty years - which usually puts it into perspective...
Loved your talk too - I love what you shared and how well it was written - so grateful you share you with all of us! We are blessed.
I read your whole talk and loved it. Thanks for sharing!
Today I had one of those tough motherhood days, the kind where you question every approach and wonder how you are going to make it until bedtime.
Then as I sat down this evening and your post showed up in the RSS feeder the weight of the day was lifted. God blessed me with your words and the very important reminder that motherhood is not easy, but worth every single moment.
Thank you for sharing your story and your talk.
There is an amazing amount of pressure on Mothers when it comes to our kids behavior. Motherhood is hard enough without the judgment of others. Not to mention the judgment that we have on ourselves as well.
One thing that I find great comfort in is the support, advice, and friendship of other mothers.
Hugs from a Mom who has been there!
Hang in there!
She is one of my best friends, so the level of embarrassment was as low as possible, but it was still horrifying to know he is even capable of acting out like that. Time bomb, indeed. :)
Look out for those wonderful bright sparkling moments of mummyhood :)
thank you so much for your message. it is so beautifully written.
my hat is off to you and all mothers!
Keep in mind: God gives every child the very BEST parent for them. So we're okay. Mistakes and all. We just have to do our best, and trust that no one else can do a better job for our own kids than we.
Years from now, what Rowen and Ele will remember is not these blue-moon meltdown moments, but those precious bedtime snuggles, the lying on the carpet playing games, and those countless ordinary moments filled with love. These are also what you will remember. And THAT is what matters, after all. :)
Hugs, my dear friend! You are Jared are doing an awesome job!
Yes, they won't be little forever, but don't wish your kid's "kid" behavior away - it WILL go away all too soon. You'll be begging Elliot to hang out with you when he's a teenager - c'mon El, let's go borrow toothbrushes - just for old times sake....
My baby was colicky for the first two and a half years of her life - she literally was either crying, sleeping, or latched on for OVER TWO YEARS. I wished that life away for OVER TWO YEARS - now I'd give anything to smell that little baby head fuzz or feel her wrap her teeny fingers around my thumb in her sleep.
EVERYONE who has been a parent has been brought center stage in a Target Tantrum and empathizes. Truly. Next Saturday, skip naptime and give me a call around 3:00 - we'll take the kids to Walmart together and begin de-sensitivity training - maybe in the chocolate aisle?! :)
Amy
Everytime one of my five acted like an alien from Mars in public, I just reminded myself that God loves me unconditionally, even though my actions probably horrify Him sometimes,lol! And I remind myself that my main job as a mom is to show the face of God to my kids. It keeps me going when the chips are down, down, down!
My daughter, who had way more than her share of "falling apart at other people's houses" moments as a child, went to college on a full paid scholarship and is now working each summer (at HER request, I just would rather her stay home with me!) at a summer camp with kids. She is a delight to be around, and she even was when she was a teenager.
My son, the 16 year old, just got the Latin award, the Citizenship award for his grade (out of 100 students), selected to the Peer Leadership Council, and Class President for next year. He would be the one who would've had someone else's toothbrush in is mouth and asking for something to eat NONSTOP when we went to someone else's house as a child!
My point is, the do grow up and you are doing a WONDERFUL job with them even when you doubt it yourself. You just have to use those experiences as what I call "teaching moments" even when you think you are not getting through to them. I would always even talk about the experience THE NEXT DAY when they were little and I was calmer, just to reinforce the "we don't act that way yada yada when we go somewhere" or whatever the behaviors were that I didn't want repeated. However, this was sometimes just reinforcement for MY benefit and sometimes they didn't even act like they knew what I was talking about!
Watching my daughter go off to college with all of her successes and a big smile on her face and my son walk up to the front of that awards ceremony yesterday FOUR times, I KNEW they had been listening somewhere along the way.
Denise :)
Being a mom is definitely the hardest thing ever! I definitely feel judged by what my children say and do and how they behave. I so needed to read your blog today! So grateful!
We all need to remember that these are kids - they are so small and they just are being kids. They have their hearts and souls out for everyone to see. The good, the bad and the ugly! They are so unblemished by the world and they just don't care what other people think! Sometimes it is a blessing because you see such sweet, wonderful moments and other times you see the worst. We need to cherish them all because it only lasts for such a short time!!
Thanks for you honesty! I really appreciate it!
I read through your talk and really liked it, especially keeping in mind the reasons for what we do (i.e., that it is God's work and "these are His people too"). Thanks so much for sharing this; I know it's something I will continue to reflect on.
I laughed out loud as I read the story of your evening, I've had a few of those myself! Where you are just worn out running after your children and feel like you look like the worst parent alive in front of your friends and worry about if your children will be this contrary in High School. And AMEN about the work!! It is the hardest work I have ever done in my life, but I love what you said, "He has at LEAST as much tied up in this as I do,". Beautiful talk. Thanks for the encouragement.
Your post hitting me deep in my heart and soul, as I look for the path that G-d wants me to take. Feeling like I am not quite part of one community, but still searching for the purpose and meaning to my menial days.
I am printing your talk and it will reside on my fridge as a daily reminder to the importance of daily, repetitive life.
Thank you my friend (ok, you made me cry- happy now :)
I had to chuckle when I read your post today (I can chuckle now because my kids are teens...I would have cried 10 years ago!)
I distinctly remember these times you describe, though. It seemed as if everytime we think we are good, maybe even great, parents...we get tested. We are therefore humbled, as you said, and realize parenthood is ever a changin'. These moments made my husband and I sit back, discuss, and make plans to try to prevent this from happening again..at least not quite so bad. We would ask each other..What could we have done differently? Could we have prevented some of it? Do the kids know that we are not as strict when others are watching and know to take advantage? Were we not watching them as well as we should have? What is our plan if this happens again? We would brainstorm, and come up with plans for the future events that WILL HAPPEN, but feeling better about our unified response. Sometimes that meant, "I'm sorry, we have to leave." And then go. Explain to the kids why you had to leave. Etc.
I would highly recommend any of John Rosemonds books to help you with parenting. I don't embrace all of his thinking, but he has helped us raise 3 WONDERFUL kids who have truly become three wonderful teenagers...all well behaved, doing well in high school and college, and hard workers. Big hugs to you and Jared for CARING about your children and realizing you are not perfect..no one is. We have all been there!
I invite my girlfriends over to crop regularly. I welcome them to bring their children unless of course they are desiring a night off. It's never a peaceful event but the experience is wonderful. I have had to learn that children's socks are "checked at the door" so my dogs won't eat them yet again and be forced to give them back to avoid doggie hosptial visits. That art work doesn't always find its way onto the paper. That inside voices might still be LOUD. But also that laughter is joyous, children's perspectives are enlighting and wise and filled with common reasoning, That a little soap and water set most things straight again. That the mess can wait until tomorrow because kids grow overnight.
I hope the stress rolled right off you in the bath and the the ice cream was the perfect prescription. I am off the read your talk from church. Thanks for sharing!
I invite my girlfriends over to crop regularly. I welcome them to bring their children unless of course they are desiring a night off. It's never a peaceful event but the experience is wonderful. I have had to learn that children's socks are "checked at the door" so my dogs won't eat them yet again and be forced to give them back to avoid doggie hosptial visits. That art work doesn't always find its way onto the paper. That inside voices might still be LOUD. But also that laughter is joyous, children's perspectives are enlighting and wise and filled with common reasoning, That a little soap and water set most things straight again. That the mess can wait until tomorrow because kids grow overnight.
I hope the stress rolled right off you in the bath and the the ice cream was the perfect prescription. I am off the read your talk from church. Thanks for sharing!
You are not alone!