Putting my Money Where My Mouth Is

We went over to a new friend’s house for a barbeque last night, and I think that the universe was trying to help me to be humble. This is the euphemism for it was a total nightmare. Who knew I’d have the opportunity to test out the talk I gave in church on Mother’s Day? (I included a link below if you’d like to read it).

Oh, dinner was excellent, and the company was great. But you know how every time you leave the house with two little kids, it is a little like carrying two walking timebombs? Somehow in our joy of preschoolerhood and gettin’-in-a-groove, we had forgotten this very real fact. And our two timebombs tend to go off not only unexpectedly, but in the worst possible place. Which is pretty much wherever there are people around, but especially when there are people that we know?

I won’t go into details. It wasn’t pretty. Oh boy was it ever not pretty. Some of it involved Rowen spilling her dessert all over the floor. Some involved Elliott trucking downstairs at one point (we thought he was watching a movie in their playroom) with someone’s toothbrush in his mouth. Some of it involved loudly refusing to drink out of a green cup when a certain child saw a blue cup in action in another kid’s hands. And then some general mayhem and ruckus thrown in for good measure. We cannot play cards with two toddlers running. This is a fact we know well, and yet could not escape.

Jared and I left after about 3 1/2 hours, feeling like we had been dragged behind a truck. And I really needed a hot bath and a good night’s sleep and perhaps some chocolate. A lot of chocolate.

Kids were bammed in the tub and put in bed and we sat and wondered, “Where did we go wrong? We are terrible parents. When did our children, who are actually reasonably well behaved at home, suddenly turn into little hooligan pee-pee house-wandering toothbrush-stealing, dessert-spilling monsters? And why in someone’s house, where we’re basically trapped and can’t run away and go home and cry in our beds like we (okay I) wanted to?”

Part of it may have been because we were at someone else’s house. And perhaps there’s a full moon or something. I don’t know. This is an old issue for me - this humiliation and embarrassment that reaches near-panic when one or the other of the timebombs goes off (or they both go off repeatedly) - the feeling of helplessness and frustration and lack of any shred of dignity, while everyone is forced to stand around and watch. I am fairly certain I’m not the only person who has been to this town. Have you?

I do think (after the aforementioned hot bath and good night’s sleep and homemade strawberry ice cream instead of chocolate) that every now and then it’s healthy to have Real Life smack you in the face, right? For me, it keeps me humble. In a place where I recognize that I have a few things to figure out still. And this helps me learn that these are not symbols of my own personal failings laid out bare for all to see, but just kids, acting like kids. Being a mama is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s the long-day, long-night, stretched-to-the-limit reality that’s so demanding. But it’s also this idea that we’re being judged personally by the behavior of our kids (whether this is reality or just in our heads), when we’re trying our best to just keep it together.

I spoke in church on Mother’s Day. I prayed and struggled and wrote and rewrote the words I’d say - knowing that this is not a subject that should ever be taken lightly, and also knowing that mamas so rarely hear how magnificently well they are doing.

If you would like to read it, here is a copy of the talk I gave.

One excerpt from that, from Jeffrey R. Holland in a talk he gave to mothers in 1997:

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be. (Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference, April 1996)

I think that last night I was given the opportunity to put my money where my mouth was. I’m grateful for that chance, even though I will freely admit that it was painful. Is painful. I have a great admiration and respect for mothers anywhere, and I say that with an insider’s perspective. I hope you know how awesome you are.

 

Comments

[Terri (lucysmom)]

Why did I not KNOW that you did mission work in Detroit? Girl, that's my hometown! I wish I'd known you when, because I certainly would have washed my hands and jumped in to help with both feet. (At the very least, I would have had you over for a hot shower and a good home cooked meal!)

You are amazing. I laughed to myself when I read about Rowen and Elliott's antics...if that's all they did, you should thank the Lord above. Believe you me, I have seen much MUCH worse!

Hugs to you Dear Jessica.

[FCas]

My child put the "T" in timebombs! Motherhood is not easy--bless all the mothers out there!!

[Melanie]

Thanks for sharing your talk, Jessica. It was beautifully written and so encouraging--exactly what I needed to be reminded of today. God bless you.

[Sallie]

Thank you so much for sharing your talk!! It is a very spiritual and touching talk. I too had to talk in Sacrament meeting on Mother's Day. What a challenge, I think it is mean to ask mother's so talk on that day!!! LOL, we were supposed to be able to relax.

Children, hmmmm, a friend once said to us that raising children to be "socially acceptable" is a lofty goal! Our baby is on a mission in Georgia right now, so I think that we made it. But there were years of tears and prayers. Our grandson lives with us now, he is 2 and definately not socially acceptable, but hopefully by the time he is 19, he will be, LOL!

Keep scrapbooking those precious faces!!! Years ago, I scrapbooked some of those disaster days, some of those tantrum faces, and I can laugh now as I embarrass my 26 year old and 20 year old.

I served in the nursery for many years and that helped me to understand that my children were not so bad. Hmmm, maybe you will be lucky and receive that calling, LOL.

You will survive, your children will be socially acceptable, but that doesn't make it any easier now as you are living through these times. Cheer up, the teenage years are just as hard, hehehe.

Hugs, Sallie in Utah

[jen]

You are truly not alone in this. My sons keep me hypervigilant, which is not only unhealthy but not good for them either. The oldest is the one who usually goes off, and there's no rhyme nor reason to it. The youngest is laid back, but gets revved up by his brother. It's hard to take them places sometimes, and then I worry the whole time. I may seem relaxed, but I'm a wreck. It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist, but I'm getting better. We're all in this together, hon. ;) Good luck!

[Stephanie]

Hey Jess! To be honest, I always breathe a sign of relief when other kids throw tantrums or do crazy things in front of me. I know that may not make you feel better or make the embarassing feelings you have go away. I am sure your friends were relieved to know there are other kids besides theirs who aren't perfect (at least I know I would be!)

[Cherri]

Oh the joy of the young years! Your experience is soo normal! You just have to teach yourself to relax as everyone with kids has experienced the same. WE just never know what is goin to happen but it is all good. Your talk was wonderful and your ward is lucky to have you remind them of how a mission and motherhood is similar. I have often thought that. Especially since my 2 missionary sons have come and gone. One is a daddy now and I will share this talk with him. TYFS your talents with all of us blog readers (Jessica fans). Remember to print those funny stories and put them up for those kids to read when they have kids doing the same thing! Love ya.

[Marian]

Thanks for sharing your story and your talk. It really touched my heart. Not only are you a great teacher of my digital world, but you are a great teacher of life. Your kids and husband are lucky to have you.

[Angi Smith]

Jessica,
I have been getting lots of parenting help from a newsletter called Empowering Parents. You might search for them and see if you find anything that helps you cope better with parenting your children. Remember, my child is the 16yo bipolar, ADHD, drug-addicted child in rehab. And I did everything by what I thought was right at the time.

[linds]

Whew, I'm really glad that you put up this post! I had a horrible day yesterday in ALL aspects and after crying about it for a couple of hours yesterday, I still felt like the worst mom in the world (usually crying helps, darnit!) and then I read your post (and your mothers day talk too) and I suddenly feel better. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with all of us. The fact that you are real, makes you even MORE likeable!

[Anke]

I think God created little children so we can earn our halo, LOL. At one point or another every mother must go through stuff like that and we all think we are the worst parent ever. Believe me, I have thought that many times! It all gets better, and they become more manageable. Mine are 12, 10 and 8 and they can still drive you nuts, but it's so much easier than it was, So, hang in there!!! We all love you and think you are wonderful, so you can't be half bad as a parent either!

[falwyn]

I haven't even completely finished reading your talk, and it's already one of the best I've ever experienced. Thank you so much for sharing it.

[Deb P.]

Take it from me... Mom of eight timebombs ... (imagine all eight exploding at once!!!!) you will survive and so will they. Your pride might be slightly tarnished and I promise you will be humbled on many occasions. But you will come out on top (when they are grown) a shining example they will continue to look up to and admire. I look at my grown children now and think "you use to be a little monster!!! When did you transform into such an amazing man/woman?" I promise you will survive ... so just for today (and everyday) enjoy them (troubles and all) because if you blink they will be all grown up into amazing people. The Lord said he saved his most valiant warriors for the last days and that means they have to have strong constitutions to survive everything they will face. Remember with pride that those two spirits he sent you are among his most valiant children and he has promised that he will never give you more than you can handle. I believe it that with all heart and so should you!

I LOVE the talk. I'm sure that everyone that attended Sacrament meeting that Sunday was edified and uplifted by your inspired words. Even weeks later, it continues to inspire those who read it. Amazing my friend. Thanks for sharing it with us!!!

[Suzanne]

What a beautiful talk! It is definitely a talk that I know I will need to read and reread over and over again. I especially liked your comparison of the song "I'll go where you want me to go" to motherhood- I had never thought of that song in that way, but it absolutely fits! Thank you for sharing!

[Jackie]

Ahhh, someone else's toothbrush in your mouth - that's small fry.... it's when I hear "He bit my penis!!!" from the bathroom that I start to wonder.

[Tamara]

Thank you Thank you Thank you! For posting your talk. So awesome. What a great reminder. I really needed that today. Thanks.

[Vivian]

Thank you so much for this post. I'm sure it was painful for you. But for me, reading your words helps me to know that I am not alone... in so many ways. Sharing this load and this wonder with other mothers is what keeps me sane. Being reminded that God has my back, well that is just what I needed today (and every day). You are so loved and admired. And you are just as awesome as you like to tell all of us that we are.

[Erin]

Thank you for including the link to your talk. I stumbled upon your site by searching for new fonts and found more than I baragined for. I wish I was at church to hear your talk, but I am glad that I could read it. I have 3 kids and my crazy life often makes me forget that "they are His people too." Thank you for the unknowing reminder.