Whew.
Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 08:03PM This is one of those “I’m here!” posts that you probably won’t have any idea how to respond to. I’m considering not writing it, but I need to update from out of the swirl of events here, if for no other reason that making lists is head-clearing. :) I feel I’m awash in a tide of bittersweet Time in the events of the past few days, and in learning to accept change and let go.
Rowen had her Assessment Day at kindergarten yesterday. Jared and I both went, and pulled around (in the carpool line! an alternate universe!), and the teacher opened the car door, and helped her out, and led her inside. Better that it was quick, since it wasn’t really the Official First Day, right? And all day yesterday, I kept starting up and saying, “Where’s Rowen?” before almost immediately remembering she was at school. At school! It was like my heart went wandering - I could almost physically feel the tug. Ele and I went to pick her up at 2:00 and we went for ice cream. I asked her about her day, and she showed me the papers she had made. They were testing her on things like writing her name, coloring, cutting, tracing, and she had done well. But the weirdest? I asked her what she chose for her school lunch, and she said, “I had pink milk, and a hamburger, and peaches and pears.” She is making her own choices about FOOD! Without me there to say, no, let’s not have 7 desserts today. And she did pretty well, I think. She starts school as an official Kindergartener on Monday. Time. Washing over me. And the bitterly sweet feeling of opening my arms to let go.
Tomorrow’s my birthday, which I only mention here because I get a new purse and possibly a date with my honey. I somehow still feel 25, so some OTHER lady must be having a birthday tomorrow, that isn’t me. Couldn’t be me. Time. And the sweet satisfaction of utter denial. ;)
And lastly and most sad, my dad called today to tell me that my dear Grandma Bills, my last living grandparent, passed on into Eternity early this morning. It wasn’t unexpected - her health had been failing in the past few weeks, and she was ready to go. So my sadness here is only to lose one of the great Trees of my life - one of those monumental figures that I learned from, and respected, and admire so much. I grew up living next door to them, and she taught me about cooking and sewing, and showed me by her faithful example what real-life love and determination are. She had been a school teacher, and was a legend among my high school friends for being the absolute toughest second-grade teacher imaginable. I will always love that about her. I feel Time washing over me. And the bitterly sweet feeling of opening my arms to let go. I’m kind of too raw tonight to do a long memorial of her, but I do think that my Grandpa, who passed in 2005, came to greet her and escort her Home, and the thought of them reuniting with the love of their lives for all eternity brings me some great comfort.
Grandma’s funeral is in Idaho, of course - on Monday, the day that Rowen begins Kindergarten. As I talked to my dad today, he said, “Grandma of all people would tell you that you belong with your girl on her first day of school. Don’t worry about missing her service.”
So suddenly, sitting here tonight, I’m not immortal, and not immune to change and the progression of days and weeks that have somehow become years. Suddenly I’m hard up against Middle Age, and my little baby girl that I just held in my arms is starting school, and the last living grandparent has departed this life. I suddenly look up and glance around, a little bewildered, wondering how this happened? Suddenly my mission of the past few years since becoming a scrapbooker, to savor and save, becomes more immediate and more real. Not from the fear of losing the beauty of today, but so that tomorrow, when today is gone, there is the looking back that gives the courage to turn and look ahead again. That’s all I’ve got for tonight. Savor and save.
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Reader Comments (40)
My thoughts are with you. Life seems to sneak up on us, and give us lemons and lemonade at the same time. My baby will also start kindergarten next week, and I know exactly how you feel. These words say it all:
Time. Washing over me. And the bitterly sweet feeling of opening my arms to let go.
Thank you for such a thoughtful post.
Aaron
My sympathies at your losses - and my gratitude for your indomitable spirit that consistently speaks from the heart. As the mother of a 16 year old that has chosen to enter college two years early, I can relate. It may sound odd, but as we held Parker in the hospital on the day of her birth - my husband wisely and quietly remarked "From this day on, it is our responsibility to work our way out of a job" Meaning that our sole goal from that moment on was to give her our support, our love and our undying belief that she could make it as an independent child of God. That the opportunity to allow her to securely grow into the individual person she was meant to be was a fleeting gift. As she has gotten her driver's license and literally 'sped' through high school, it's been a challenge - I thought I had two more years to adjust to and prepare for her college years - but that was not meant to be the case. We are so proud of her choices and determination that to hold her back because I wasn't ready wouldn't be fair. We are blessed to have the gift of being allowed to shape their foundations - who they become is up to them. What a privilege it is to watch them unfold. Peace to you at this time of transition. A quote I love that is on my Daytimer divider each and every day of my life reads "Close your eyes and know that on this journey, of this world, in this skin, right here, right now 'I am here' and you are not alone". ~Monda
I too and going thru this mid-life "thing" where I am really feeling the passage of time. hang in there...
Blessings to you on your birthday and on beautiful Rowen going to Kindergarten. Our prayers are with you for comfort on your grandmother's passing. I can only imagine how much you must miss her.
(((HUGS))) always dear friend!
"Dear Lord, I know that nothing is going to happen to me today, That you and I can not handle together."
God bless you jessica.k
I understand those heart tugs when kids go away to school. It's a real thing isn't it! It's kind of hard in many ways to have them at school longer than they are home each day.
I hope your next week goes well with all you have going on.
It seems strange to put these 2 messages in the same post but I do want to convey both my sympathy for the loss of your grandmoher, and also ,best wishes for a Happy Birthday.
I send my condolences for the loss of your grandmother, blessings to your sweet daughter going to school, and birthday wishes to you!
Savor and enjoy every moment because as your post so well illustrates, the circle of life is always moving forward. Hope you celebrate your life tomorrow with lots of joy. You are the connection between the past of your grandmother and the present of your daughter. And to us you are a wonderful reminder of how important it is to savor the moments. Thanks for sharing your heart.
i'm so sorry for your loss. my last living grandparent just passed away 2 weeks ago. she too was ready to go and it was quick and peaceful (just as she wanted it) and so i understand your bittersweet feelings. i also truly appreciate your amazing writing. you put into words that which i can not express but i find myself nodding in agreement to all that you say. i love how you called her a great tree in your life. beautiful.
congrats to rowen on kindergarten. it is such a huge leap for our little ones but one that i'm sure she will revel in, grow in and come home to tell you all about. zo just went off to first grade on weds. and on the page i made about it i asked her to run home everyday and tell me all about what she learned so that i could be a part of the fleeting moments. they do go by rather quickly.
{{hugs}} to you for the changes. prayers for your comfort as you mourn your grandma and have a nice birthday date with your sweetie. rumor has it middle age is way better than the decade before (so all my older friends keep telling me)
mwah!
Wishing you a joyous birthday - know that all of your grandparents are looking down with love & pride on you. I, too, only have one grandmother left - the one for whom I am named. She is 90 in December and I dread "that" phone call one day.
Take care & continue to find the special in the everyday.......much love, Meg
Peace to you,
Kim
Second - talk about time passages... my "baby" will be 24 yrs old next month and *his* first baby will be born by the end of next week! Oh my. I've been looking forward to being a "gammy" for a few years, but now I'm not sure I'll be a good one :}
Third - My sympathies on the passing of your beloved grandma. Sounds like she meant so much to you and was a special part of your life :) What a comfort and a blessing to know that she and your grandpa are now renewing their loving relationship in eternity! Today (8/28) marks the 2nd anniversary of my own dear Dad's entry into eternity and his reunion with my Mom - they had been apart for over 13 years and I know they could not be happier :)
Hugs from Alaska - kimB
May it all go well for you as you settle into new routines and schedules over the next few weeks. Have a blessed Birthday tomorrow, savour those moments with your sweetie and your little ones.